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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

What Not to Say

I thought it might be helpful to put together a little guide for those of you who may come into contact with seriously ill or recovery friends or relatives. All of the things below have been said to me at one time or another. If you have said one of these things, don’t feel bad – it happens. I’m sure I’m guilty of a few of these myself. But now you can’t say you didn’t know better.

  1. How was chemo? (Or even better: “How was the transplant?”)
It was awesome. Best time of my life. I didn’t have to cook, clean, take care of my kids, work out, have dates with my husband, go out with my friends, do my hair… it was like a vacation! Seriously, though, you already know it was awful, so don’t ask this question.

  1. You look tired.
I’m sorry, you must have meant: “Can I get a you a coffee or tea?” Or, even better: “Can I clean your kitchen while you have a nap?”

  1. If I got cancer, I would never have chemo. It’s so toxic.
Chemo is toxic?! So that’s why I lost twenty pounds and my hair fell out.

  1. I know how you feel.
Unless you really do know how it feels to have a cancer diagnosis, steer clear of this one. Patients on steroids are known to be particularly grumpy, and, well, they’re on steroids. They might just kick your butt. So tread carefully.

  1. Just try and be positive about it.
Cancer sucks. And of course we need to stay positive and be optimistic, but if your cancer-stricken friend is having a bad day and wants to rant and wail about how much it sucks, let her. Even better, rant and wail with her. Strange as it might sound, it actually really helps to have another person acknowledge how much cancer sucks. Yell it from the rooftops. Use some swear words. Smash some things. You’ll both feel better.

  1. Don’t Push It
I’ve already been over this (see this entry). If we want to push it, we’ll push it. When we need to rest, we will. Trust us.

  1. Do you have any plans for the summer?
A nurse at the local clinic (not a leukemia nurse) actually asked me this two weeks before I was scheduled for my bone marrow transplant. The idea of planning anything in the future once you’ve had a cancer diagnosis is paralyzing and incomprehensible. After I managed to stop laughing in a crazy-person sort of way, I told her that yes, I had big plans to survive.

  1. Can I see your (bald) head?
Oh sure! Snap some pics and post them on Facebook and Instagram. I love being bald, that’s why I show it off all day long. Oh wait, I don’t.

  1. It’s just terrible, everything you went through.
Saying this once is ok, saying it over and over again is not. We don’t need to be reminded how terrible our experience was. In fact, we don’t want to be reminded of it at all. A better option: tell us about your annoying boyfriend or your crazy aunt or your leaking roof. It may seem odd to vent to your sick friend, but sometimes it’s really nice to get the focus off the illness.

  1. You’re lucky you’re so skinny.
That’s not what I would call it. Sure, being skinny has its perks, but I’d take back those twenty pounds in a heartbeat if it meant I didn’t have to live through cancer. To be safe, never ever call a cancer survivor “lucky.” Unless of course they win the lottery. Then it’s ok.